Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Humpday PhotoDump

I missed last week…but last week was off since we had been in Illinois for 4 days…so anyways. here’s Two weeks worth of crappy phone pictures…of my cute kid!

This is the face you make after waking up in Wisconsin…where it was 45 degrees.2014-04-12 09.28.24

Aunt Alice taught Charlie about worms…2014-04-13 08.54.13

Do you see that? that’s snow. In April. It was 70 by the next weekend. Gotta love the Mid-West!2014-04-14 16.53.01

We didn’t pack for the cold weather…2014-04-15 08.13.52

They’re 3.5 months apart…2014-04-15 10.05.52

And hugs were mastered.2014-04-15 10.06.35

Someone got wore out...2014-04-15 10.47.40

She missed Minnesota all together. 2014-04-15 16.28.12

But she still got her 5th pair of wings.2014-04-16 19.15.14

Back to the real world…and learning how to fold.2014-04-16 18.39.55We colored Easter eggs…Charlie’s first time…first time in a LONG time for me and Adam!2014-04-17 19.58.58

Parade of Homes was going on, so I toured this gem.2014-04-18 16.01.58

I could totally move in. It was like a giant Crate & Barrel House!2014-04-18 15.37.35

My favorite part…the wine bar! ha ha2014-04-18 15.43.14The Nano doors were pretty sweet too.2014-04-18 15.44.45

Yes, I still have my Christmas cards up.2014-04-18 18.09.10

This girl LOVES being outside. So it’s pretty normal for her to eat her breakfast here every day. 2014-04-19 07.59.04Spent a small fortune on my hair this weekend. 2014-04-19 15.45.34

We activated our membership at the children's museum and Charlie is already at home there.2014-04-19 17.17.58

We did an Easter basket for her this year. She LOVES the chalk!2014-04-19 21.10.51

Our Easter was low key. While Adam and Charlie napped…I had Bellini's on the patio with my book !2014-04-20 13.44.22

Friday, April 18, 2014

Adam’s Turn!

So I asked Adam the same 20 questions I answered last week. Some of his answers I could answer for him (and him for me) but there were a lot that even he had a hard time coming with an answer. I was shocked he’d never thought about some of these (what’s your favorite smell??) Men.

Any here you go!

1. Twitter of Facebook? Facebook.

2. Morning or night person? Night.

3. How do I take my coffee? I don’t

4. It’s 9pm and I have alone time, what do I do?  Watch a movie

5. What is on your bedside table? a Clock, a lamp and everything else. it's a mess (Mess is an understatement!!)

6. What is your favorite smell? Good food

7. What smell do you hate the most? Stephanie's butt (thanks dear-to clarify he’s referring to my gas-TMI)

8. Where would you most like to live? A Castle

9. Which historical figure do you most admire? Vince Lombardie (I had to tell him this one!!)

10. When you were 6 what did you want to be? Lawyer or astronaut

11. If you could eat only one nationality of food for the rest of your life what would it be? Mexican (We’re soul mates!)

12. Would you rather vacation camping in the country or in a lush hotel in the City? Camping in the country

13. Would you rather dress up or go casual? Go casual

14. What is your favorite store? Best buy

15. How many siblings do you have? 2; Older brother, younger sister

16. What is the #1 played song on your iPod playlist? I don't have one (an iPod nor iTunes!)

17. What sound do you love? Charlie talking, saying dada ( I melted)

18. What is your least favorite mode of transportation? Mules ( I cracked up! he’s never ridden a mule-but said he couldn’t say animals because a horse would be fun and an elephant would be pretty cool.)

19. Who would play you if they made a movie about you? Ashton Kutcher

20. If you could learn to do anything what would it be? Play an instrument. (Again I had to help him with this one…he had too many!)

Monday, April 14, 2014

“I don’t like being a mom”

Those were the words that I finally got up the courage to tell Adam last summer. I remember the thought just came to me suddenly.

I hadn’t been feeling right for about a month or so and was I trying to figure out what was going on. I had talked to my Dr. and she said I had anxiety. But I had nothing really to be anxious about. So I kept searching.

Then it was one night in late July or early August that I went outside for a walk by myself and I called my best friend Stephanie and uttered those words to her first. As I said them it felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. Everything made sense. As I talked to her my “anxiety” seemed to drift away. And she sat there on the other end, 2 hours away, listening as I told her: “I love my daughter, but I don’t like the being a “mom”. I don’t like caring for her and all that that entails.” After we hung up I went inside and told this Adam through tears since I knew how much he wanted a big family and my goal as his wife has always been to make him happy. He listened to me and asked what could he do? He said he would support me any way he could, but I knew I had hurt him.
Stephanie on the other hand (which I found out months later) had hung up and freaked out. She called her mom and husband proclaiming “Something is WRONG! I have to go to her, I need to drive up there. That is not Stephanie! What should I do?? Call Adam??” But they both told her that she needed to let us deal with it;that was not what she wanted to hear, but she sat by idly (and very supportively of me) while I went through the weirdest time in my life.
I had known something was off with me for a while, I had had a few panic attacks over the last couple months, but after I had that “epiphany” I thought: that’s it, I’m good. And I went on accepting that the problem was I just didn't like my role as mom.

Until I had another episode.

At the end of August, Adam’s birthday to be exact, another one hit me.


It lasted for days. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread, sadness, lifelessness. I felt like I had to throw up all the time. I would come home from work and burry myself in bed. I even missed work a few times. I had to call Kristi to come take care of Charlie when Adam worked late. I would cry for no reason. I couldn’t sleep through the night. I had the most ridiculous thoughts.  And I thought “If I died right now it would be ok…because then I’d feel better”
During this time Adam was supportive of me 200%. Whatever I needed he’d do. He took care of Charlie all the time and cooked and worked and ran the house.

One Friday night when I just couldn’t stop crying he took me to the beach. I was happy for 2 hours…it felt wonderful.0734134959009
Meanwhile in Michigan, my mother was worried sick. What was going on with her happy outgoing daughter? The morning after we went to the beach I woke up feeling even worse and my mother pleaded with me to call my OBGYN. “You have post partum depression” she said. So I did, I called my Dr. He told me that 8 month post partum was beyond their expertise, but to take the anti-anxiety medicine my General dr. had prescribed in July and that it should help.

I spent the day with Tara trying to relax (Adam had to work) and then later that day I booked a room at a fancy hotel and checked myself in. I just need to get away I told Adam. “I have to get out of this condo. I’m so hot. I hate it here.” So I spent two glorious days at the Hyatt relaxing. Adam and Charlie slept at home, but they were with me during the day. By the time I checked out I feeling better.
It was Labor day weekend and my aunt offered to stay with us the next week to help out. Thanks I told her, but there’s really nothing to do…I’m feeling better and my parents will be here next weekend.  I had also made an apt with a counselor in a week at the advise of a few friends, so I was good, I could handle it.

My parents arrived the next weekend and all was good. I felt myself. We all took Charlie to zoo on Saturday morning. Then all of a sudden my face started to tingle and I had to sit down. Eat your protein bar my mother said as she took me into some a/c. What are you worried about? NOTHING I said, “I’m fine. There has to be something physically wrong with me. I don’t feel normal.” So I decided to go to the ER. My dad and Adam took me and they ran all the blood tests and everything came back normal.

I was fine.

Finally a Dr. came in a told me I’d had a panic attack. Why? I asked I’m not worried about anything. And he said it may be related to PPD. They sent me home with some anti-nausea medicine and pumped full of saline. The next morning I wasn’t much better and as I changed Charlie’s diaper I asked my mother through tears “can you please stay for the week?”
My mom stayed on and that week I went to my first therapy appointment with Lisa Armstrong. I told her I kept thinking about that mother who her shot both her children when they got home from school. And that I didn’t want that to be me. She was very straight forward with me and told me that I was not crazy and that it sounded like I’d had anxiety all my life. It also sounded like I had PPD. She gave me some mental exercises to do and told me to take a more natural sleep aid and that I would get through this, that I would get better.  After a couple of weeks I was feeling better, but I still was not sleeping good. She told me “you’re depressed. You may need to get on an anti-depressant.” But I don’t feel depressed I told her…I just can’t sleep. “That’s a sign of depression”" she replied.

Up until this point I was against taking certain meds because I had been nursing, but now I knew it was time to take care of myself. Charlie was 9 months old and barely nursing so I went to my Dr. and talked with her about my symptoms.

She said it sounded like I had PMDD and PPD. She put me on a low does of anti-depressants and was very supportive and optimistic that we would get this under control. In early October I started the medicine and continued to see my counselor. By the end of October I was feeling better and sleeping! I remember waking up one morning and going “AHHH I slept all night!” It was the first time in months.

At the beginning of January I had my last appointment with Lisa and she proclaimed me “cured”. She said I was night and day from when she first met me. A few months later and I can now say that I am feeling 100% normal. Yes there are days when I’m exhausted and I wish Charlie would just let me take a nap, but I don’t feel the need to run away.  I weaned off the anxiety medicine months ago and I no longer take melatonin to sleep. I will soon try to get off my anti-depressant.  I’m nervous about it, because I do have small anxiety attacks every now and then, but they’re nothing I can’t handle.  However if I do get off them and start feeling bad again, I know I can go back on them and it will be ok.

One main thing that helped me get through all of this was being vocal about it. I didn’t hide it, I talked about it. I asked for help.  And you know what? I found out that A LOT of my friends had gone through the same thing.  I was not alone. Trust me there were people who didn’t understand, but that’s expected.

I have always been a very optimistic, happy and out going person. The glass is never half empty…but for a time there there was nothing in the glass and I had no desire to fill it up. Understanding that what was going on was chemical helped me so much. It gave me an explanation, a name to call what I was feeling. Talking to friends also made me feel less alone and gave me hope. So now, when I do start to feel anxious or sad, I KNOW that it’s not going to last and that I will get through it!

I want to thank EVERYONE who was there for me and who helped me and my family get through that rough, horrible time. I owe you so much more than a thank you and a hug. And I hope that someday I can return the support to you when you need it. 

If you ever start to feel not yourself know that you’re not alone. Get help. ASK for help. Do NOT feel ashamed. It will be OK…and you WILL get better.

And by the way, I LOVE being Charlie’s mom.
2014-04-05 14.31.18

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Random Questions

I have been listening to some podcasts lately that ask their guests some random “shoot from the hip” questions. Which made me think about my answers. So here they are:

1. Twitter of Facebook? Facebook. I don’t understand how twitter works.

2. Morning or night person? Night! I may not stay up super late, but I HATE getting up in the morning.

3. How do I take my coffee? Hot with 2 creams

4. It’s 9pm and I have alone time, what do I do? This actually happens a lot in my house. I watch TV or read…with a glass of wine.

5. What is on my night stand right now? an alarm clock, a lamp, 2 ipads, notebooks, The Paris Wife, Salt: a Word History, photo of Adam and me, a coaster, an empty glass, my granny’s rosary, an ihome Bluetooth speaker, a solar phone charger…and a lot of dust.

6. What smell do you love? It’s a three way tie: Coppertone sunscreen, orange blossoms and sawdust/fresh cut wood.

7. What smell do you hate? Sulfur/paper mills oh and farts.

8. Where would you most like to live? For a short while downtown in a big city like NY or Chicago. But not forever.

9. Which historical figure do you most admire? Jesus.

10. When you were 6 what did you want to be? A florist or my moms maid.

11. If you could eat only one nationality of food for the rest of your life what would it be? Mexican!

12. Would you rather vacation camping in the country or in a lush hotel in the City? The City-hands down. I’m not a camper.

13. Would you rather dress up or go casual? Dress up.

14. What is your favorite store? Hmmmm Either Meijer or Crate and Barrel, but probably Meijer because you can get an ice cream to eat while you shop.

15. How many siblings do you have? 2 younger brothers.

16. What is the #1 played song on your iPod playlist?  according to my iTunes at work I have listened to “when you love someone” 54 times.

17. What sound do you love? Halyards banging on a mast.

18. What is your least favorite mode of transportation? Motorcycle…because I don’t know how to drive so I’d have to ride on the back.

19. Who would play you if they made a movie about you? First person that comes to mind is Julia Roberts…but I’m sure if I thought longer I could come up with someone better…not that she’s bad!

20. If you could learn to do anything what would it be? Speak fluently in a foreign language, preferably French.


So now you know a little more about my random thoughts. Maybe next week I can get Adam to answer them! I’d be curious to hear his answers!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Humpday Photodump!

I’m going to cheat and put up some real camera pics since my phone is a piece of crap and the battery life is starting to be non-existent.

Puzzle time!2014-04-02 18.13.46Making progress on my Talents!2014-04-04 07.40.38Love lent and $2 filet-0-fish!2014-04-04 12.20.21The weather really heated up this week so I took Charlie out for a ice cream.2014-04-04 16.55.15Feeding her baby doll.2014-04-04 18.20.50Bases done!2014-04-04 21.13.41She loves picnics!2014-04-05 10.57.35Nice Charlie, real nice.2014-04-05 13.13.10jZoo fun with her bestie2014-04-05 14.31.052014-04-05 14.31.18Fish are cool.2014-04-05 14.59.07LOVES my electric toothbrush!2014-04-06 08.47.38

Sarasota Jungle GardensIMG_2302

I came this close to feeding the flamingos…but I chickened out.IMG_2317So glad I got to see this girl…and her little girl!IMG_2358IMG_2347IMG_2366

Angel2014-04-06 17.53.58

Cartoons in bed! (going for mom of the year with this one!) ha ha2014-04-07 07.08.36

Quietly reading by herself!2014-04-08 07.34.50Last step: Buttons!!2014-04-08 07.41.13

We’re off to IL this weekend. Friday was a sad day, Grandma Grace passed away. She was a great women and a fantastic Grandma. She will be missed greatly.


Talent Bags

I finished up my smaller bags last night! I have 8 and I will be selling them for $30 each. ALL the money will go to build a classroom in Haiti. I’m pretty happy with the way they turned out and wish I could keep them all!