Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Hard to be Happy

These past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions.  While we have been getting along good and I am doing fine physically, sometimes I find that it's hard to be happy.

It seems that everyone is having a baby, except us.  And don't get me wrong, we couldn't be more happy for everyone-we truly are.   I'm just saying that finding the happiness that is deep down in there beneath the sadness and disappointment and hurt is hard.

There seems to be constant reminders around every corner that our good news is no longer.  I received the packet from my health insurance in the mail-the good packet-with all the pamphlets and a book on healthy pregnancies.  I knew it was coming and I almost didn't want to open it.  Just another reminder that the last three months of our lives seem to have been a trial run-when all that time we thought we were in the race.
And I finally unpacked the suitcases from our trip to Michigan only to find the baby calendar my mom had given us.  I tucked it into the bag in the corner of our room that holds all the items we won't be needing for a while.  Out of sight out of mind-I wish.

But we are moving forward. 
We are dealing with life, when life is hard. 
We are working though it all together. 
And we are finding happy.

In our friends

In a big wet kisses

In everyday or not so everyday events :)

And mostly in each other

We are slowly letting happy come out to play and hopefully take up our hearts again where it used to rule.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

One Year

This past weekend we celebrated our 1st anniversary.  We didn’t go on a big fancy trip, we didn’t let it go by without acknowledgment.  We didn’t slip away for a romantic get away or hole up in our house.
We went to Gainesville, for an Ultimate tournament.
Yep, I spent the weekend cheering my man on from the sidelines.  Or in reality glancing up from my book whenever he took the field.   I did take some good video of him playing and I did drink a whole lot of champagne cheering him on.
In all fairness and all joking aside, it was a very nice weekend.  We were able to get away-even if it wasn’t the most desirable place. I was able to get us a room at the Hilton, the only 3 star hotel in town (at a 1 star price!)  And we did go out on Saturday night for a oh-so-yummy dinner at Harry’s. 
We were happy to spend the weekend together-despite all the sweat and dirt of an exhausted husband who has some pretty banged up knees.
We celebrated one year of happiness. Of good, fun times.  And most of all to many more years of happiness, love and good times in our future.
We also had a nice time with Russ and my mom, Betty.  We were really lucky that they were here.  They were a good distraction from thinking about our baby.  And the love and support they gave us was much needed.  My mom was able take a later flight so that she was with me through my surgery. 
Russ had wanted to come down and see the Yankee’s play the Ray’s and we were able to get my mom a ticket too! We had a nice time at the ball game-even though we never saw a run.  The Ray’s did end up wining 1-0 at the bottom of the 11th…we were already 1/2 way to Tampa by then.
P9131473  P9131474
Despite the circumstances, it was a nice week and a good time to have our family close.
Adam and Russ enjoy a game of bocce at the beach.
Dinner at the Bavarian house-good!

Sunday we headed to the water park that is five minuets from our house-for the 1st time! It was so fun and we’re definitely going back!
P9121467 P9121463
And finally, here is Otis, the reason for my mom’s visit-Puppy delivery.  When we returned from the baseball game he had had a bit of an accident in the tub, so a bath was a MUST.  Bruiser was very intrigued by him.  Otis was purchased by a partner in my firm for his in-laws; he is now at his home in Atlanta, but we enjoyed our one night with him.
How cute is that? :)

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Here we go again

Well the doctor confirmed what we already knew.  But i think we both had this small hope that something was wrong with Krista’s machine.  The doctor went over our two options and we both felt that the best would be to have a D & C; which is outpatient surgery to remove the contents of my uterus.  the other option would be to wait it out.  And who knows how long that would be, plus we can have the tissue ran for tests to maybe pinpoint the reason for the miscarriage.  2/3rds of the time it’s a chromosome issue, which is not caused by either  of us.  the other other 1/3 of the time it could be something else-and if that’s the cause then they can figure it out and we’ll know if it’s me or if it’s something we can avoid/prevent ect.
I will be going in tomorrow morning for the procedure (which is pretty routine) but i will be again knocked out and hooked up to an i.v.  Seems this is my year for hospital visits.  I should have gotten a frequent visitors card. (My dr.’s office is IN the hospital)
The outpouring of love and support we have received has been greatly appreciated. And we can’t wait to share good news again with you soon. 

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Change of plans

The following posts were going to be auto posted after our 1st anniversary, however a change of plans makes me feel that this is the best way to tell our story.

Written July 19th, 2010
Adam and I were up in Michigan, it was a beautiful Saturday morning. I was burnt from the previous day on the water and needed aloe.  We drove into Hart, in my moms white Corvette.  The first store didn't have any aloe! so we ventured downtown to the pharmacy. 
After finding the aloe I wandered into another aisle and grabbed a box with a $1 off coupon on the cover. I said to Adam, "I just have to know."
We got back into the car and drove around looking for a spot. We settled on McDonald's with a laugh and pulled into the packed parking lot.  He waited while I went in.

I was nervous and excited, but also not wanting to get my hopes up.  I closed the door and sat down.  When I was done I grabbed my phone and checked the time. 10:57......I checked my email...10:58...looked at facebook......10:59.....I walked over to the baby changing station and looked into the familiar window.

Right there next to the bright pink line was a second light pink line.  My eyes filled a little as I put it in my purse and walked out.

Adam had come in, but I was in such a daze I didn't see him as I left the restaurant, "Steph!" he called out, and I turned around "So????"  I smiled and nodded, "Yes, we're having a baby"

The drive home to my parents house was a daze...I was in shock...happy, scared, excited, nervous.....then all of a sudden I spotted my brother driving our Jeep in front of us.

"Stop him." I told Adam, "I have to tell someone."  We finally got him to pull over and I walked up to him and told him and Jen the good news.  They shared in our happiness and promised to keep our secret and help me drink my wine at the wedding we were going to that night. 

It was at the wedding that we came up with a code name to call our little McDonald's baby...
Grimace-the big purple, a-sexual creature that loves milk shakes.


Really? I'm pregnant?!?
Written July 28, 2010

I realized that I cannot write and post about my experiences of pregnancy as they happen since we haven't told to many people yet, but I use this blog also as a way to record our life so I've decided I'll just post-post. ha ha, that sounds funny-but I think that's right....So these will come in a large string dated as I wrote them.

I have been feeling fine. Normal, no nausea, no vomiting, my breasts are as soar as they always are, my bathroom habits haven't changed, I'm tired maybe a little bit more and hormones are in check. For the most part I don't  "feel" pregnant. They only thing that is making me feel pregnant is the missing glass of wine after work, the gin martini on Friday and the cold beer at the beach. 

So last night, I took another test, just to be sure. Yep, still pregnant, don't know what I expected...like it would just go away. Nope, still knocked up and with child.  I should be excited and should be all motherly-right? But I'm not. I hope that doesn't mean I'm going to be bad at this, I'm sure it doesn't.

Today is our first Dr.'s apt. I wasn't expecting to get in so early - Heck the lady who answered the phone was more excited than I was I think.  But maybe it has to do with my surgery.  I think that's the main reason I'm not getting super excited.  Because I know of the complications it may cause. Or may not.  I really think this Dr. apt will kick my excitement into full gear...as long as she tells us all is ok.

Adam laughed at me last night when I told him that I don't have any symptoms that the books say I should have.  He said "babe, maybe you're one of the lucky few that has is easy.  Do you want to be sick?"  And no, I probably don't. My best friend is pg too, and she had it pretty bad...I bet she'd kill to be in my flip-flops. 

We also got our books in the mail I ordered last week.  I decided on the "Mayo Clinics guide to a healthy pregnancy" (why not go to the experts, right?) So far it looks pretty good-but I was more into reading Jenny McCarthy's Belly Laughs-I'm about 1/2 through it! 
*** ok Polka just came on my iTunes while I'm writing this and I am now bopping in my chair-gets me every time!***
Adam got his own book on how to deal with a pregnant wife and how to stay out of the "dog house" I laugh because they actually have little side bars that say that.  According to the book he shouldn't point out how enormous my feet get.  :) He seems excited to read up-despite the lack of pictures.

In conclusion-I'm 5.5 weeks pregnant and feel about 1 week pregnant (FYI you're not even pregnant at 1 week).  I guess I should just count my blessings and enjoy this early symptom free stage.  Here's to hopping the next 8 months go as smoothly-(raising my glass of v-8 to you or as I call them Virgin Mary's)


Written July 29, 2010 (happy birthday Auntie Sandy)

Dr.'s appointment yesterday went good.  I was a bit freaked out when they told me how they were going to do the sonogram.  They definetly don't show you that way on the movies! We were only able to see the sac that little grimace is growing in, so I have to go and give blood twice next week, to make sure that my levels are going up and all is progressing good.  Glad I've already "Been there, done that" on the blood work-I know it's a piece of cake.

Dr. Perkins said that so far the cervix looked fine, but that we'll just have to monitor it to see if my surgery had any effect on it's strength.  Fingers crossed that everything holds and keeps growing.  Due date is March 26th, I guess Aunt Pat is getting her birthday present early next year.  We'll go back in three weeks for another check up and she said that we'd be able to see the baby then.  I just hope that everything keeps going the way it has been. Feeling good :) They all told me to count my blessings, and I do.

Written August 2nd; 6 weeks 2 days

I did something.
I bought something...for Grimace.
Now, I know it's too early, but in my defense I saw this type of thing long before Adam and I were even engaged and we BOTH thought about buying it at the time-but didn't. I've regretted it ever since.

Every time I'm in Target now I look for it, and Friday night was no different.
This time I found it! Well sort of-and I found 4 different ones. And I bought ALL FOUR-in various sizes.
Two are definitely girl...but who knows-just in case.

Aren't they cute?

I actually went into the store to try and find me something to wear.  It seems that I've accomplished the Newlywed Nine (great) and now with my new situation it seems nothing outside of skirts and dresses fit.  So being brave I grabbed shorts and pants a size bigger than normal....and they didn't fit. I wanted to cry. I put them back.  I did find two dresses that fit - one was my regular size...the other that fit a bit big, but was super comfy-come to find out was a maternity dress! but for $10 I didn't care. I bought them both.
Maybe I'm just going to have to come to the realization that elastic waist bands are my friend. :( And that buying clothes in a double digit...isn't all that bad....for the time being. I remind myself it's only for 9 months...well now 8 :). I can do it.
Do maternity clothes come in normal sizes? I may have a saving grace....if they're smart they'll mark everything a size 0-6 :) I bet every pregnant women would buy it.

I do know this is just the beginning.
Here's to all my closet full of 8's....I love you, good bye, see you in April... or May.


It's Official....
Written August 3rd

I've lost my mind....

Case in point #1:

While in the shower this morning I get a handful of cream to shave my legs, finish the first one, turn around to get more cream, put up the other leg and it’s already shaved.
So I put it down, pick up the leg I swear I just shaved and it’s shaved too! I have no recollection of shaving my other leg.

Case in point #2.

I do the same routine to get ready in the morning…everyday.
I shower, then cleanse my face, then lotion, then clothes, then make up, then hair, then breakfast.

I get in the car to leave for work, look in the rear view mirror and the jump at the person staring back at me…I have on NO makeup!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I quickly turn off the car and go back in the house.

Case in point #3.
I get home from work and go to put the toaster away....in the refrigerator!

I am losing my mind. Thanks Grimace.


Written August 11, 2010

It seems 8:01 a.m. is my time.
Two days in a row now I've gotten to the point where I'm ready to toss my cookies. 
Yesterday I was already to the car, today I was still inside - I even went and sat in the bathroom.

But both times I fought it-with Lifesavers! Wintergreen Lifesavers are, well, a lifesaver :)

Here's my stock tip for the week-buy stock in Lifesavers.  Because I'm buying a lot of them.

Other than those episodes, I've been pretty good.  Still need to keep food on my stomach to curb that "I'm sick to my stomach starving" feeling.  But all in all, I'm good.
Adam is the best. Rubs my back. Gets me Vernor's (another stock tip)

The Dr. called today to tell my that my Beta levels (from my blood work) were good and that they'd re-asses at my next apt.

My arm is still soar (over a week later) from where they took my blood. It doesn't help that I have a lime size bruise on my elbow.  I must have whacked it someplace and forgotten.  But anyway it's making sleeping a pain-as I try to keep it straight. (I'm a baller-you know-I sleep in a ball)

Well that's my update.  I'm on week 8 and still haven't tossed my cookies. Good girl.


160 bpm
Written Aug. 18th, 2010

We heard the heart beat today. It was weird. boom boom boom
Adam’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.  He’s so excited.
And we finally saw the parts and pieces that begin to make up a human.  Still resembles Grimace, no body shape, buds for arms and legs, but it’s there. In me.
I’m still feeling the same, no big changes.  I’ve been a little more tired this week. And my ballet class I’m teaching wears me out.  I’m hoping that after week 12 I will get all my energy back, like the books say.  We shall wait and see.

Other than that there is nothing more to report.  All is good and we pray it continues along this route.


The cat's out of the bag!

September 1st  we arrived in Grand Rapids and meet my parents at the airport.  All four of us head to my Aunt Sandy's house.  It is there that i give them their 35th anniversary gift-a framed picture of Grimace.  Dad opens it and as he's processing what it is Aunt Sandy says "someone's having a baby!"  At this point my mother has grabbed it with tears in her eyes and my dad has fallen to his knees and is leaning against the back of a chair.
"Dad are you ok?!?!?!?"  The news has knocked the wind out of him.
They are both so excited and congratulations are passed around.

We then drive to Lake Leelanau where we inform the other family members.  All are excited.  Dad wants to update his face book right away, but we ask him to wait a bit.
The whole weekend we quietly tell friends and are greeted with the same great response, everyone is so excited and it's starting to help me get excited too.  We're at 11 weeks, so we're almost out of the woods.  I also discover Odules.  I have a few at the wedding and feel like my old fun Stephanie again.  We danced until 2 a.m.  It was a great weekend.


Change of Plans

September 11, we are at 12 weeks!  We wake up and grab the book to see what will happen this week with the baby.  Our next appointment is Tuesday and we're eagerly waiting to see a much more defined baby.  I get up to go to that bathroom. It is there that I finally get what I have feared was coming.  There's blood on my toilet paper.
"Adam" I yell, "I'm bleeding"  We call the dr. answering service and patiently await their call.  In the mean time we call our friend Krista who is an OBGYN, she informs us that it's normal and as long as I don't have any paint and it's stopped I should be ok, but if I want she would to an ultra sound for us.
We head to the airport to pick up Adam's Dad, Russ.  The on-call Doctor from my OB calls back, he tells us the same this Krista did.  So we relax a bit but still decide to go see Krista to calm our nerves that everything is OK.

At her office we crowd in the room as she puts the cold gell on my abdomen, she's having a hard time finding the little bugger so she asks Russ to step out and does the ultra sound trans-vaginal.

There it is. But it's not what I expected it to look like.

"Steph," she says, " I'm so sorry but there's no heart beat."
Adam is silent.  I just stare at the machine.

"yep, it's only measuring 8 weeks 5 day.  I'm so sorry, it's nothing you did.  this just happens" she informs us.

I dress and give Adam a hug, holding myself together as we go tell grandpa that there is no more baby.

In the car I call my mother and she says "you know i had a feeling this would happen".   I've had the same feeling.  I even had a dream two days prior. My dad is crushed and very sad mom informs me, in addition he's dealing with the death of a friend.

But we soldier on to the beach and I enjoy my first Pina colada in who knows how long.  My friend Tara and Krista are great supports.  I'm glad Krista was the one who was there to tell us the bad news.

As much as it's a disappointment and we're sad, Adam I know that it just wasn't meant to be.  God has a plan for us and this baby wasn't right, this is natures way of weeding out the bad ones.  We will see what the doctor tells us as to what happens next, but we will try again.

Thank you to all the love and support we've gotten both before and after this loss.  It reminds us of how lucky we are that we have such great family and friends.  We look forward to sharing good news with you all again in the future.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Up North & WAY Up North

So we decided to spend a good 6 days in Michigan; my friend was getting married Saturday-so we made a vacation out it.
Adam had never been to our families cottage and it had been 3 years for me! So after we were picked up from the airport in Grand Rapids and a stop at my Aunt & Uncles we drove 3 hours North to my quiet heaven.
4/5 of my T.C. Cousins and my Aunt Pat were already there for a cook out. We had a great time talking and eating and sitting around the campfire.  I miss that. Being with family-impromptu like, although I planned this a few months in advance.
The next day we decided to take Adam on a tour of the area. We loaded up in the car and headed to Cedar to pick up some Jerky and hotdogs from Pleva’s meats. mmmmmmm
Then it was on to Sleeping Bear Dunes Nat’l Park.  I hadn’t been since I was probably 3.  I don’t even remember.   We took lots of photos of the spectacular views and even made the hill climb.  Although Adam would have been happy climbing down and up this:
I said NO!. That is a boat down by the shore…and those are people climbing up!

IMG_3203 Dad, Adam, me and mom at the Lake Michigan overlook

IMG_3214 Running down the dune!

We then headed to Leland, my favorite little town, for lunch at the Damn.

My cousin Wyman made this fish that stands outside of the Carlson’s Fishery.

After a fun day of playing fudgy we headed to Pentwater-2 hours south.  Dad and Adam rode in the back…and had a “good” time.

The first thing we did when we got in was see the puppies. And oh were they cute!!!
 IMG_3239   IMG_3231 IMG_3248
The rest of the weekend was low key (out side of the wedding celebration!) Weather wasn’t the greatest, but we made the best of it and did what we could.
IMG_3270 IMG_3268
Yes that’s Joseph on the latter of the lighthouse-he’s not too bright.


IMG_3325 Mr. & Mrs. Monton.

It was a beautiful wedding-cold, but the sun came out just as they were exchanging vows and it was perfect! The 500 guest reception was over the top and we danced until the kicked us out at 2 am!


wedding2 wedding 3

wedding It’s funny how well Adam fits in so well with my family.

wedding 6Dad & Tony-Father of the Groom

Sunday the sun did come out and we made it to the beach for Joseph’s “hidden kegger” the guys had fun playing volleyball and drinking beer while I napped in the sun.



beach 3



Overall it was a great, much needed trip and we were able to see a lot of family and friends.  It’s always nice to have time to do what you’d like.  This was our last planned trip of the year so it was bitter sweet for it to come to an end, but we do have lots more things in the future.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

In Love….again.

Meet Gretta
She is our newest addition. Unfortunately she won’t be with us until we have room and a yard for her to run and play in.  She will most likely be as big as her mommy-a good 95-110 lbs. No room in the condo for that.
We had four great days loving on her and making sure she was the “right one”, but we know right away.  She’s sweet, fun and doesn’t lick.
Leaving her was hard.  Staring at her cute face makes me want to bring her down now, but I know this is best for all of us.  Happy dogs=happy owners.
So until then we will watch her grow in pictures.  She’s like our Adopted African baby. Only we aren’t sending her money for school supplies. 
Here’s so more pictures, because I know you want to see them :)
gretta 2

I have to be honest-not sure if this is her...but it looks like her.
More on our trip north soon :)