HERE WE GO AGAIN!

2/23/15
I am shocked.

Beyond shocked. Floored. amazed completely and utterly surprised.

I am pregnant.

when my period didn't come the day it was supposed to, or the next day or the next I finally took a test.  I had spotting earlier in the week, once, so i thought "that's it, I'm not pregnant" And just started the waiting game.

Well i am. When i went back into the bathroom after the 3 min and saw that second line i burst into tears. I honestly couldn't believe it. I really didn't think i'd get pregnant again, and i was OK with it. I was shaking i was so surprised. I told charlie and when i asked her what was in mommy's belly she said  a baby.

When Adam got home from work an hour or so later i told him. He looked a little confused as he crawled into bed. It wasn't the reaction i was expecting since he didn't feel good, but he's excited and happy.

I actually told Tara first because i was so freaked out and Adam didn't answer his phone. she's excited. Heck i'm excited. I'm nervous, scared, but i'm definitely excited.

I love Charlie so much, and i think the thing that worries me the most is how i can spread that love. but i'm sure i'll be able to do it. :)

Right now i'm feeling good. Gassy and bit crampy my breasts feel heavy but that's it. Oh and i'm tired, but i'm always tired. Also i'm super hungry all the time and i can smell anything from a mile away.

Lets hope these next 4 weeks go smoothly.
2/25/15
At work today i'm feeling a twinge queesy. almost like i have nerves.
but i am still very very apprehensive about this pregnancy. i think it's because of the spotting i had a week ago...Adam said call your dr. if you're worried. But you know, what is my Dr. going to be able to do... So as of now i'm just holding tight and hoping all goes well! i will call my dr. soon to schedule the apt...but i'm still just not convinced this is the real deal...

3/9/15
6 weeks and the queasiness is kicking in. Nothing bed binding, but it's annoying non the less. like i could be sick at any min. This whole thing is still so surreal. I go see the dr. tomorrow. Adam has a meeting so I'm going solo. So different this time around. But new job and new responsibilities i guess. It still really hasn't sunk in and when i do start to think seriously about it and having another child it does kind of freak me out. But i know we'll adjust and do fine and love # 2 just as much as we do our Charlie girl. The dr. office called to let me know they got the first round of blood tests back and it was high with the HCG levels...so i'm def pregnant. I've told Stephanie, Felicia, Tara and accidentally Alyssa and Leah-and possibly Josh. oops. My parents are visiting...so i think i may tell them after i see the dr...but we'll see. I'm just wishy washy about this whole thing.  I guess after i see the little bugger it will get real really fast :)

3/27/15
8.5 weeks. So after being drop dead tired and queezy all day long i woke up this week feeling completely normal. It didn't even hurt when i took off my bra. So of course I worry that something is array. I really really don't think i will be ok/comfortable with all this until after our next appointment at 10 weeks. The first dr. apt confirmed my pregnancy and put me a few days ahead of where we calculated. We will stay with the Nov 1 due date however. I did take another test this week, Stephanie said to do it to help me feel better. But i just think back to my first pregnancy where i didn't know for 3 weeks that i had miscarried! I didn't even have any signs other than the little bit of blood on the TP.
So as happy as we'll be to have another child I just can't get excited until i'm a little further along. I still don't believe it. Especially when I'm feeling this normal!
We did tell my parents when they were down here and they are so excited, but under strict orders to keep mum! Joseph and Jen know as do Jimmy and Monica. We will tell Adam's dad after our apt on the 8th. Then I guess we'll see if we let the cat out of the bag.

5/2015
17.5 weeks. This pregnancy has been super easy. Like I said before after 8 weeks I've felt fine. But since then we've gotten to see our little bugger on the big screen (and he measured way bigger!) Yes, I said HE. It's a boy. Nuts, crazy and so lucky that we will get one of each. My due date is now moved to the 26th of October, so baby will come around the 20th. So far all is well and progressing smoothly. Fingers crossed it continues this way for the next 22 weeks. The name game has begun and I think it will be a long drawn out game...kind of like these NHL playoffs! ha ha ha

“I don’t like being a mom”

Those were the words that I finally got up the courage to tell Adam last summer. I remember the thought just came to me suddenly.

I hadn’t been feeling right for about a month or so and was I trying to figure out what was going on. I had talked to my Dr. and she said I had anxiety. But I had nothing really to be anxious about. So I kept searching.

Then it was one night in late July or early August that I went outside for a walk by myself and I called my best friend Stephanie and uttered those words to her first. As I said them it felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. Everything made sense. As I talked to her my “anxiety” seemed to drift away. And she sat there on the other end, 2 hours away, listening as I told her: “I love my daughter, but I don’t like the being a “mom”. I don’t like caring for her and all that that entails.” After we hung up I went inside and told this Adam through tears since I knew how much he wanted a big family and my goal as his wife has always been to make him happy. He listened to me and asked what could he do? He said he would support me any way he could, but I knew I had hurt him.
Stephanie on the other hand (which I found out months later) had hung up and freaked out. She called her mom and husband proclaiming “Something is WRONG! I have to go to her, I need to drive up there. That is not Stephanie! What should I do?? Call Adam??” But they both told her that she needed to let us deal with it;that was not what she wanted to hear, but she sat by idly (and very supportively of me) while I went through the weirdest time in my life.
I had known something was off with me for a while, I had had a few panic attacks over the last couple months, but after I had that “epiphany” I thought: that’s it, I’m good. And I went on accepting that the problem was I just didn't like my role as mom.

Until I had another episode.

At the end of August, Adam’s birthday to be exact, another one hit me.

Hard.

It lasted for days. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread, sadness, lifelessness. I felt like I had to throw up all the time. I would come home from work and burry myself in bed. I even missed work a few times. I had to call Kristi to come take care of Charlie when Adam worked late. I would cry for no reason. I couldn’t sleep through the night. I had the most ridiculous thoughts.  And I thought “If I died right now it would be ok…because then I’d feel better”
During this time Adam was supportive of me 200%. Whatever I needed he’d do. He took care of Charlie all the time and cooked and worked and ran the house.

One Friday night when I just couldn’t stop crying he took me to the beach. I was happy for 2 hours…it felt wonderful.
Meanwhile in Michigan, my mother was worried sick. What was going on with her happy outgoing daughter? The morning after we went to the beach I woke up feeling even worse and my mother pleaded with me to call my OBGYN. “You have post partum depression” she said. So I did, I called my Dr. He told me that 8 month post partum was beyond their expertise, but to take the anti-anxiety medicine my General dr. had prescribed in July and that it should help.

I spent the day with Tara trying to relax (Adam had to work) and then later that day I booked a room at a fancy hotel and checked myself in. I just need to get away I told Adam. “I have to get out of this condo. I’m so hot. I hate it here.” So I spent two glorious days at the Hyatt relaxing. Adam and Charlie slept at home, but they were with me during the day. By the time I checked out I feeling better.

It was Labor day weekend and my aunt offered to stay with us the next week to help out. Thanks I told her, but there’s really nothing to do…I’m feeling better and my parents will be here next weekend.  I had also made an apt with a counselor in a week at the advise of a few friends, so I was good, I could handle it.

My parents arrived the next weekend and all was good. I felt myself. We all took Charlie to zoo on Saturday morning. Then all of a sudden my face started to tingle and I had to sit down. Eat your protein bar my mother said as she took me into some a/c. What are you worried about? NOTHING I said, “I’m fine. There has to be something physically wrong with me. I don’t feel normal.” So I decided to go to the ER. My dad and Adam took me and they ran all the blood tests and everything came back normal.

I was fine.

Finally a Dr. came in a told me I’d had a panic attack. Why? I asked I’m not worried about anything. And he said it may be related to PPD. They sent me home with some anti-nausea medicine and pumped full of saline. The next morning I wasn’t much better and as I changed Charlie’s diaper I asked my mother through tears “can you please stay for the week?”

My mom stayed on and that week I went to my first therapy appointment with Lisa Armstrong. I told her I kept thinking about that mother who her shot both her children when they got home from school. And that I didn’t want that to be me. She was very straight forward with me and told me that I was not crazy and that it sounded like I’d had anxiety all my life. It also sounded like I had PPD. She gave me some mental exercises to do and told me to take a more natural sleep aid and that I would get through this, that I would get better.  After a couple of weeks I was feeling better, but I still was not sleeping good. She told me “you’re depressed. You may need to get on an anti-depressant.” But I don’t feel depressed I told her…I just can’t sleep. “That’s a sign of depression”" she replied.

Up until this point I was against taking certain meds because I had been nursing, but now I knew it was time to take care of myself. Charlie was 9 months old and barely nursing so I went to my Dr. and talked with her about my symptoms.

She said it sounded like I had PMDD and PPD. She put me on a low does of anti-depressants and was very supportive and optimistic that we would get this under control. In early October I started the medicine and continued to see my counselor. By the end of October I was feeling better and sleeping! I remember waking up one morning and going “AHHH I slept all night!” It was the first time in months.

At the beginning of January I had my last appointment with Lisa and she proclaimed me “cured”. She said I was night and day from when she first met me. A few months later and I can now say that I am feeling 100% normal. Yes there are days when I’m exhausted and I wish Charlie would just let me take a nap, but I don’t feel the need to run away.  I weaned off the anxiety medicine months ago and I no longer take melatonin to sleep. I will soon try to get off my anti-depressant.  I’m nervous about it, because I do have small anxiety attacks every now and then, but they’re nothing I can’t handle.  However if I do get off them and start feeling bad again, I know I can go back on them and it will be ok.

One main thing that helped me get through all of this was being vocal about it. I didn’t hide it, I talked about it. I asked for help.  And you know what? I found out that A LOT of my friends had gone through the same thing.  I was not alone. Trust me there were people who didn’t understand, but that’s expected.

I have always been a very optimistic, happy and out going person. The glass is never half empty…but for a time there there was nothing in the glass and I had no desire to fill it up. Understanding that what was going on was chemical helped me so much. It gave me an explanation, a name to call what I was feeling. Talking to friends also made me feel less alone and gave me hope. So now, when I do start to feel anxious or sad, I KNOW that it’s not going to last and that I will get through it!

I want to thank EVERYONE who was there for me and who helped me and my family get through that rough, horrible time. I owe you so much more than a thank you and a hug. And I hope that someday I can return the support to you when you need it. 

If you ever start to feel not yourself know that you’re not alone. Get help. ASK for help. Do NOT feel ashamed. It will be OK…and you WILL get better.

And by the way, I LOVE being Charlie’s mom.

Final bump

*Now that I’m back at work…and sit at a PC all day.. I have time to finish up all I had hoped I would do while being home with a new born*

Here is the culmination of our “Bump Watch 2012” photos.

This last picture was taken 2 days before Charlie arrived. I was 39 weeks.

 

Looking back now, it’s hard to believe my belly was every that big.

6 days

Well here we are, 6 days away from meeting baby Charlie.

I really can’t believe it’s finally time. It feels like it’s been FOREVER.  I’m at the point where I wish I could hit fast forward…get to next Tuesday and just see her.

Last night I asked Adam, do you think about what she’ll look like? I haven’t really, but I do think if she had a dark head of hair (which is entirely possible) I’d be a little shocked.

I guess I never posted that I am getting a c-section. Dec 4 @ 11:30 am. She is STILL breach. I feel for her big head everyday. And I’m ok with this. Actually I think it’s better this way. and it’s faster, Adam and I are not the most patient people in the world.

I have been feeling good. I’m tired a lot, my upper back gets sore from sitting at a desk too long. Oh and my baby likes to wedge her head under my ribs, so that’s fun. And I’m finally getting “Congratulations” from strangers now that I’m obviously pregnant. I have a couple more belly pics to share.  one thing is no one believes that I’m due in a week. According the the girl at Dunkin Donuts “girl! you are wearing that girl good! you only look 6 months!” I thought to myself, if I were this big at 6 months I wouldn’t be able to leave the house now that I’m 9! But I take it as a compliment, smile and say thank you.

She’s moving around right now…it’s still so weird. I think she’s realizing her mistake of not flipping and doing whatever she can to get out…just wait little girl, it’s almost time.

Her room is basically ready. I’m going to post a bunch of pictures once it’s all complete. but right now it’s definitely good enough to bring a baby home too and house a bunch of visitors. What? you didn’t know? our guest room now comes with a crying and pooping baby at no extra charge to you

Charlie has already been spoiled beyond our belief. I need to go buy more thank you cards! she’s got it all and then some. We feel so blessed and loved by all our family and friends.

We are all done with Dr. apts and classes. I think we feel prepared. I haven’t read a baby book or pregnancy book in months. I guess I’m just at the point where I’m going to wing it and deal with life as it’s thrown (up) at us.  Adam is way excited. I’m nervous, scared, excited, anxious, freaking out while being calm at the same time. We’re ready. We’re going to do this. Be great parents-or at least good parents. Speaking of parents ours will be here soon. We’re so thankful for them…and the impending help they will give us!

Sorry this wasn’t a fun full of pictures fun topic post…but I thought if I didn’t get it all out right now, I’d forget and before you know it she’ll be 6 and I’ll have forgot this quiet crazy time in my life right before I became a mom.

Light Activity and 34 Weeks

Yesterday I was given the green light to go back to work! At 34 weeks the Drs. won’t do anything to stop labor, so at this point I’m good to go.  I am allowed light activity and since I sit at a desk all day, work is ok. I still am not allowed any exercise or heavy lifting. I will finish out the week at home and then go into the office on Monday :)
I am feeling good and more pregnant as the weeks roll on.  Speaking of rolling, that is what I must do now to get out of bed or off the couch…my abs can no longer propel me up.

Another aspect we discussed at the Drs. yesterday was Charlie’s Breach position.  At 34 weeks, while she still could turn, it’s not as likely.  He gave us the option of doing a external cephalic version at 37 weeks, but Adam isn’t on board.  I’d like to get the opinion of my OB friend, Krista. Second opinions are always good and I'm lucky to have a close friend I can ask. I will continue to try and do some exercises to get her to turn, but he told us to start getting used to the idea of a c-section. It would be scheduled at 39 weeks.

Actually a c-section doesn’t scar me as much as normal child birth.  While I might have a slight feeling that I’ve missed out on something special, I feel like this route would be easier for me on my nerves and anxiety.  I am really nervous about giving birth. I keep telling people I don’t want to be there for it. I want to give birth like Betty Draper; get knocked out and then wake up with lipstick on to a beautiful clean swaddled baby.  But I’m pretty sure it’s no longer 1960 and they don’t do twilight births anymore.
Whatever happens will happen. We truly believe whatever God has planned for us will be the right route. But we’ll just have to wait and see if I have to face my fears or sport a scar.
Despite all that we’re getting very excited. Charlie’s crib arrived, a gift from Grandma (my mom) and Adam set it up all ready making sure everything was tight and secure. Her nursery is coming along and really looks cute. As soon as I go back to work, we’ll get rid of the stuff I’ve been using for my office and can get started on the textiles and décor.
My mom is here helping out until after my shower.  She has cleaned and cooked and sewed and mended and filled Charlie’s closet with an obscene amount of little dresses. I am so lucky that she is able to do this, because I really don’t think I would have been able to get to all she’s done. We’re blessed in so many ways.
We hope everyone has a safe and fun Halloween.
Boo!

32 down 8 to go…

At 32 weeks I am now starting to not only look more pregnant, but I feel it too. Getting up, rolling over, sleeping, back aches, heartburn, and the overall feeling that I’m large are all issues I deal with daily now. But I probably shouldn’t complain if it took 32 weeks to get to this point.

Baby Charlie is still moving around and it’s just crazy to see my stomach move like there’s an ocean under there…or some sort of alien life form a la the movie Tremors.  My mom keeps telling me it’s beautiful, it’s a miracle and I keep saying it’s weird and hard to believe.  I still can’t believe there is a person growing inside of me. who by the way, just lodged herself under my rib! ugg

She is still breach so I have been trying to do little exercises to help her flip. However, the dogs think this is the time to come over and lick my face.  Hopefully she’ll do it on her own, but a little help never hurt anyone, right?

The nursery is coming along.We purchased a new rug, changing table, rocker and ottoman and finished the flooring and paint.  My friend Tara brought over her bassinette so now we even have a place for our little girl to sleep. I’m really happy with the way it’s turning out and can’t wait to get started on some sewing when my mom gets her next week.

On the bed rest front I was told this week that after another two weeks I should be able to be released and sent back to the real world! that’s 2 weeks less than I was originally told. So I’m super happy an anxious to get back to work and life. I’ve been lucky that I’m able to head out to eat or to church, but I still spend the majority of my time sitting/lying in a bed or on the couch.

And I can’t post this without mentioning how much of a saint my husband is. He has really been great. doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, painting, waiting on me, shopping…all while working full time. I try to help, but he won’t let me. He’s taking good care of his girls. As much as I’m disappointed he’s going to California next weekend and I’m not, he deservers to go. And I really do hope he has a wonderful time hanging out with all his buddies.

Also, we started a little pool to see when you all think Baby Charlie will come, so If you’d like to join in here’s the link :

http://www.whatsinmybelly.com/baby-pool-baby-charlie-276

I believe you have to hit the JOIN tab before you can enter your predictions.

As cool as I think the 12/12/12 birthday would be…I’ll take anything after thanksgiving at this point!

Thirty

Wow, what a difference 2 weeks makes! I finally, after 30 weeks, feel and look pregnant. No blaming it on carbs and beer anymore!

The last two weeks have been ok. I was starting to go a little stir crazy.  Adam was gone most of both weekends so it was harder when I wasn’t working.  I have been lucky to have friends drop by and even drop of treats and meals (Adam was even more thankful he didn’t have to cook!)

I have kept busy with work, watching 5.5 seasons of The Office (in chronological order), Learning to embroider (thanks to my friend Rebecca) and attempting to read a few books here and there.

But, after 4 weeks on bed rest there is a light at the end of the tunnel! We had a great check up with Dr. Young yesterday.  My cervix is now at 2.8 cm (up from 2.3) which he said some people would argue is normal. With that said and the fact that I’ve hadn’t had any issues I am now on modified bed rest for the next two weeks. That means I can sit up, walk around the house, go outside and in the pool and even go out to dinner. I can’t go crazy and I’m still taking it really really east, but it was so nice to accompany Adam to Home Depot last night to pick up some paint.

At my next check up if everything looks good I should be able to add a bit more activity. And if at 34 weeks I’m still in good condition and stable I can go back to a normal life! That’s two weeks off my “sentence”! That means I can go back to work and get back to reality!  I still can’t go to California (Dr. said that would be pushing it) So my mom will come down and stay with me while Adam is gone and she will stay until my shower in November. An extra set of hands will really be appreciated and the company too!

So with that said, I have a much better outlook now that it might be 4 more weeks instead of 6. I’m also so excited to be able to move around a little more. The sono tech said that would be good for the baby and helping her flip, as she is still breach, and in the splits. One of her legs is down kicking at my cervix and the other is up by her ear. Little ballerina if I do say so.  Oh, and she officially has my nose, poor thing. But we still think she’s super cute.

Happy October everyone!

28 Weeks

Starting to look a little pregnant.

I’m starting my 3rd week of bed rest. The 1st 2 weeks went by relatively quickly. Everyone said the 1st 2 weeks are the worst…I’m hoping that’s true.  I’m lucky that I get to work from home, that is really keeping me sane.

Adam brought my big work computer home and set it up in the guest room right next to the bed. I get up and work from 830-530 just like normal. only I get to wear yoga pants and a t-shirt…without a bra! ha ha

Once Adam gets home I move to the couch. Then we’ll have dinner there (at the couch) and watch TV or play a video game or I’ll read one of my baby-pregnancy books. Lets see I’ve just learned about burping and c-sections.

The hardest part is not being able to help out or do things around the house. I feel so bad, but Adam has stepped up and done an awesome job. He cooks dinner and fills up my water bottles and washes all the dishes. He’s even done a load of laundry. Which luckily I was able to help fold.  I hate having to be dependent on him, I know he works hard and needs a break just like everyone else. But he insists I lie down and gets very mad if I don’t. He’s a good nurse.

Our dr. apts have been good and the outlook to reaching 36 weeks is good too. So far my Cervix is stable staying at around 2.5-2.3 cm.  Charlie is breach and her little bottom is just bouncing on the cervix. But this is better then when she was kicking at it.  Hopefully she will flip sometime soon here, but it has been fun to feel her little head that sits just to the right of my belly button.

I’m back to going to the dr. every two weeks so that I can rest more.  Adam is going to set up the beach lounger on the patio for me so that I can get some fresh air and some moisture back in my skin. Hopefully the weather will cool down here and it won’t be so unpleasant outside.

We've also begun planning the changes for Charlie's room.  Adam will have to do all the work himself now, but I can help pick things out. We’ve got paint samples to put up on the wall and new flooring to be put down once the carpet is ripped out. Having our plans come to a halt has given us a few more weekends to get things done.  I am disappointed about not being able to meet my new God daughter and be at her baptism. I'm bummed I don’t get to watch Adam play at regionals (and check out a stroller they only have in Orlando!) And I’m super duper bummed about not being able to go to California. But this is life and its what I have to do in order to have a healthy little girl. we waited 2 years for her…what’s 8 more weeks?

We hope you are all having a wonderful fall. And hope to see you soon! I’m always around if you want to come visit.

Well hello there

Look what popped up, or should I say out, this week.

There is definitely a big change from two weeks ago.

And just so you know, I do not have a Beyoncé behind…that is a lovely shadow.  I still think I just look fat…but it’s coming…soon it should be pretty obvious. At least in another 3 months it should!

We leave tomorrow for Joseph’s wedding. Everyone is so excited and it’s looking to be a good time.

Bump Watch 2012

The most common question I get is “Do you have a bump yet?” And for the first 18-ish weeks I said “nope”. Finally at 20 weeks I am starting to show. But I still think it looks like I’m fat or bloated.

Adam and I had very good intensions of taking pictures every week or every month…but with out much change in the bump department, we slacked and only snapped 3 pictures in the first 5 months.

So here for your viewing pleasure is the up-to-date evolution of my baby belly.

2 days after finding out.

Still not much going on.

Finally, something to show for!

We’re going to try and do them every week from now on.  Fingers crossed we remember to do it and I’m not to tired to get into my leggings!

Is that it??

Well we’ve made it to 19 weeks! And I still don’t look pregnant. (So no cute bump pictures.) I do feel a lot better so I’m not going to complain.

Everyone keeps asking if I have felt her move yet. And I keep saying no.  I read that at first it feels like someone tickling you from the inside or like gas bubbles.  And honestly I haven’t felt that.

I have felt a random something every once in a while. But if I’m not paying attention, I don’t notice it. It’s more like if someone touches your arm.  which could be anything…like a house that is settling, but only it’s my body. Could be I’m hungry, or that I moved to quick and jostled my organs…But my mother informed today that That’s it!. I don’t believe her…that can’t be what they describe. If it is, it’s a miracle anyone even pinpointed that as fetal movement. I seriously doubt it. I do have all sorts of pains from my round ligament that feels like an uncomfortable stretch and some sharp jabs, but my DR. informed me that those are all normal.

But we’ll see. I told Adam “there’s no way this can be our kid and not be moving around” But then he reminded me that on lazy days we don’t move to much…so maybe she's just having a lazy day.

I’m sure I’ll be getting kicked and popping out here soon enough. And hopefully when I do I realize what’s going on and not chalk it up to my intestines.

Our little Girl

Yes, I have been the worlds worst blogger. I apologize.

Here are some pictures to make it up to you.

She has fabulous cheekbones

And a killer smile

And very possibly my nose

18w2d. All is good. Todays ultra sound was a level 2. So they counted all her parts and pieces. As far as they could tell she’s perfect. I am feeling good and just starting to notice a little bump, but only when I lay flat on my back.

We are excited and anxious for the next 22 weeks to go by so that we can bring our little Charlie home.

Wow. I wasn't expecting that.

April 3, 2012
So I'm pregnant.
I haven't told anyone outside of Jordan and Bruiser.
I wrote it in the fog on the bathroom mirror, but Adam showered before he came to bed...at 4 am
I wanted so bad to wake him up and tell him, but I wanted to be sure since the first test i took was very light.

The second test (this morning) wasn't all that much darker, but it was definitely there.
two lines.

After 21 months I got to see two lines again.
I will tell Adam tonight when i get home.
I can't wait. I want to tell everyone, but i know he deserves to know first.
He has been my rock through this long journey.
After two very emotional, frustrating and heartbreaking years God has finally answered our prayers.  To everyone who prayed for us and sent us encouraging words THANK YOU...we can't express how much that meant to us. It really pulled us through the dark.
and it is so wonderful on this side.

April 4, 2012
I told Adam last night.
He worked later than normal and i was going nuts not telling him. But i waited until he got home.
then until he ate his food.
and I listened to his day.
finally i told him i had a prize for him, which i did.
I had bought him some sock monkey nesting dolls for Christmas and forgot to give them to him. So i saved them for this specific purpose.
i put all the monkeys together, but in the smallest monkey i rolled up a note that said
"our little monkey will be here in December"
He was so excited with the gift and had fun opening up all the monkeys and admiring their different expressions.
Then he got to the last one and pulled out the paper.
He read it. looked at it.
Didn't say ANYTHING.
I was practically shacking and ready to cry.
Finally I said something...I don't remember what.
But he was defiantly shocked. "How? didn't you just have your period last week?"
So I explained to him the female cycle...and that no...it was a month ago.
I wish I could remember what else he said, but over all he was just shocked and so excited.
He had the biggest grin on his face.
"It's about time" he finally said.

He couldn't sleep last night - he was too excited he said.
I guess it's like Christmas...I just hope this won't last for the next nine months.

April 17, 2012
So i feel like I'm going to throw up all the time.
My super sweet husband bought me everything i asked for at the store.
I'm armed to get through each day at work.  each long 9 hours.
i haven't actually thrown up, but it just feels like i could.  And I'm a puker. If i have to throw up i do it. then i feel better. I know there are people who hate throwing up, but not me. But something tells me if i do throw up I'm not going to feel better...and it's not going to go away.
Small meals my Dr. said. I say lots of mints.
It doesn't help that my vitamins make me burp and it tastes like fish. i have some samples...i may try another brand.

we went to the Dr. last week. we saw the yoke sac. but that's all. next week we go again and hopefully we will hear the heart beat. I'm praying that it will all go well. I'm nervous. Adam's nervous too.
I told my brother and Jen. Then yesterday I told a friend, Kris, who knew our history and understood all to well what we were going through. she's so happy for us she started crying.

Today i get my blood work done. I hope i don't throw up. i hate blood, but I've become a pro at giving it now. But i just can't think about it...or look at it.

I'm sleeping a lot. I definitely need 8 hours a night. so if i go to bed early i wake up at 6. if i go to bed at my normal time I can't get out of bed at 7 for work.

We're both really happy. Excited. Nervous. maybe a little scared.
But so in love with each other and our new little monkey.


April 19, 2012
I threw up last night...while brushing my teeth. well my tounge to be exact.
right there in the sink. and yes mom, i thought back to when Erin Blocher threw up in your sink at my 3rd grade sleepover.
the last few days have been bad...queesy all the time. just not fun.
but today i feel  a little better. not sure that's a great sign, but i'll take it.
maybe my body is just getting used to this feeling.

i've found that lemonaid helps or lemon juice in my water. but i'm worried if i drink too much the acid will ruin my enamal...and you can't get that back!

Adam didn't sleep on the couch last night, but he did the night before. the dogs were making to much noise and i couldn't sleep so he said he'd take them out. He's so sweet. but we both realized we could have just taken off their collars and the noise would have stopped. next time.

He also came home with a box of arm and hammer pet deoderizer. "What's this for?" I asked him. "you said it smelled like dog in the bedroom, so i was going to clean the carpet"
I married a saint.

The days just seem to be slowly ticking by...one more week until our next apt. We're both so anxious for it. We need the confermation that everything is going along smoothly. But i know it will be that 12 week check up where we'll finally be able to exhale. 1/2 way there.

April 23, 2012

how is it i've only known for 3 weeks?!?! it feels like it's been forever. I think time is just ticking by slowly until we go to the dr. again wednesday and hear the heartbeat.

i threw up 2 times this weekend. the culpret is brusing my teeth and having a full stomach. I so miss eating. everything look so good on the tv commercials, but when it comes time to eat nothing sounds good.  Adam has been a trooper. He went to the store sunday and got me whatever i needed and (whatever he need) I stayed on the couch. We usually go togeather after church, but i told him..i don't think i can sit through mass today...i'm just misserable.  So i sat on the couch all day...getting up when i'd get a burst of energy for a few minutes before sitting back down so as not to throw up.

the worst is work. I feel like crap. If i wasn't pregnent i wouldn't be here...but this also would be gone w/i 48 hours too. so i must push through.

Lemonaid is my new friend. don't know why but it helps.  Mints too. I constantly have a nasty taste in my mouth (that makes me want to puke).  And i need to remember to eat small meals. Adam keeps reminding me of this. it's very hard to break my 8,12,6 eating scheduale.

I'm not all that tired...maybe a little more than normal. i don't have much, if any more, cramping sensations. And my bras still fit :) So far it's just this constant flu. It really really stinks.
5 more weekes of this trimester...oh! it seems like an eternity. Maybe it will let up sooner...I really hope it does.

April 26, 2012

We saw the dr. yesterday, but more importantly we saw the baby. and heard it's heart beat...130bpm (I believe). Everything was measuring right on schedule (7w1d).  We go back in 4 weeks...it will be a long four weeks. It was w/i these four weeks that we lost the 1st baby...so no, i'm not as excited as Adam is yet. I'm still playing it safe. He wants to tell the world and i want to wait until we acutally have it in our arms to tell people.  But i know that won't be the case.

Also I think it's a boy. My only reasoning...everyone (almost) I know is having a girl. Statistically it needs to even out. And also the chinese gender chart said so...and they're never wrong ;)

After dinner last night I laid down on the couch (6:30 pm) Adam told me around 9 or 10 to go to bed...I slept until 7 am! only being woken up to say goodnight/goodmorning to adam. I guess I was tired.

I'm still feeling queesy and we discussed it with th Dr. Hopefully i can keep it at bay with small meals and not brushing my teeth so hard. Today i actually feel a little better. Which also worries me. As much as I hate feeling like i'm going to barf, it's comforting to know that it means everything i moving along.  Only 5 more weeks....


May 15, 2012

This past weekend, while we were in Michigan we told my parents. And a few of my cousins.  I explained to them to keep it quiet for a few more weeks. My cousin Beth was having a lot of trouble with that. So a few more people know. 

Before we left for michigan Krista gave me an ultra sound at her office and the baby was still alive and moving along with a heart rate of 171bpm. She said it looked very good.  With that we felt comfortable enough to tell my family, even though we'd have liked to keep it quiet a little while longer.

I have been feeling better this past week. Not as queesy and definetly getting my appitite back. Adam doesn't like that. He likes when i feel sick because it's confermation that everything is still going good. But i told him that the "morning" sickness doesn't last forever and 4 weeks was plenty enough for me.

Our next dr. apt is next Thursday where we'll have the nuclear ultrasound and hopefully will get a really good look at our little monkey.  I will be 11w2d then. After that i think i will feel comfortable telling the rest of the family and then my work the following week.

So here i am at week 10.  Only 2 weeks away from my much desired milestone. I hope that these next two weeks go by smoothly and that our baby continues to grow strong and healthy.  ok, stomach is rumbling...time for breakfast.

A Girl

I found out today that our baby was a girl, with abnormal chromosomes resulting in monsomy X, which is consistent with Turner Syndrome. She had 45 x chromosomes in stead of the normal 46.
The doctor explained all the facts and that it is nothing caused by either Adam or myself nor will it increase our chances of it occurring again.  The doctor said that it is common to miscarry in this situation and that while some with Turner syndrome carry to full term,  the majority (99%) end like ours did.  She said in a way it’s a blessing.
Here is a quick explanation:
Monosomy X, commonly known as Turner Syndrome, is a chromosome disorder in which a girl or woman has only one complete X chromosome. (Because a Y chromosome is needed for a person to be male, all babies with Turner Syndrome are girls.) Though girls born with Turner Syndrome usually have good odds for a normal life, the majority of babies with the condition are lost to miscarriage or stillbirth.
About 1 in every 1,500 to 2,500 newborn babies has Turner Syndrome. Yet according to research, monosomy X is present in about 3% of all conceptions, but about 99% of affected babies are miscarried or stillborn. The condition is thought to be a factor in roughly 15% of all miscarriages. (about.com)
Turner Syndrome in girls:
Girls with Turner syndrome are usually short in height. Girls with Turner syndrome who aren't treated for short stature reach an average height of about 4 feet 7 inches (1.4 meters). The good news is that when Turner syndrome is diagnosed while a girl is still growing, she can be treated with growth hormones to help her grow taller.
In addition to growth problems, Turner syndrome prevents the ovaries from developing properly, which affects a girl's sexual development and the ability to have children. Because the ovaries are responsible for making the hormones that control breast growth and menstruation, most girls with Turner syndrome will not go through all of the changes associated with puberty unless they get treatment for the condition. Nearly all girls with Turner syndrome will be infertile, or unable to become pregnant on their own. (Kidshealth.com)

 











Recognize her? She has Turner Syndrome.

It feels good to have some closure, to know the cause of my miscarriage, but at the same time knowing it was a girl makes it all more real.  I’m glad I know though.  Also the doctor said that everything seemed fine after my post-op check up and that we can try again in a month or so.   So here’s to luck in the future with 46 Chromosomes :)

Change of plans

The following posts were going to be auto posted after our 1st anniversary, however a change of plans makes me feel that this is the best way to tell our story.
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Grimace
Written July 19th, 2010

Adam and I were up in Michigan, it was a beautiful Saturday morning. I was burnt from the previous day on the water and needed aloe.  We drove into Hart, in my moms white Corvette.  The first store didn't have any aloe! so we ventured downtown to the pharmacy. 

After finding the aloe I wandered into another aisle and grabbed a box with a $1 off coupon on the cover. I said to Adam, "I just have to know."

 

We got back into the car and drove around looking for a spot. We settled on McDonald's with a laugh and pulled into the packed parking lot.  He waited while I went in.

I was nervous and excited, but also not wanting to get my hopes up.  I closed the door and sat down.  When I was done I grabbed my phone and checked the time. 10:57......I checked my email...10:58...looked at facebook......10:59.....I walked over to the baby changing station and looked into the familiar window.

Right there next to the bright pink line was a second light pink line.  My eyes filled a little as I put it in my purse and walked out.

Adam had come in, but I was in such a daze I didn't see him as I left the restaurant, "Steph!" he called out, and I turned around "So????"  I smiled and nodded, "Yes, we're having a baby"

The drive home to my parents house was a daze...I was in shock...happy, scared, excited, nervous.....then all of a sudden I spotted my brother driving our Jeep in front of us.

"Stop him." I told Adam, "I have to tell someone."  We finally got him to pull over and I walked up to him and told him and Jen the good news.  They shared in our happiness and promised to keep our secret and help me drink my wine at the wedding we were going to that night. 

It was at the wedding that we came up with a code name to call our little McDonald's baby...

Grimace-the big purple, a-sexual creature that loves milk shakes.

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Really? I'm pregnant?!?

Written July 28, 2010

I realized that I cannot write and post about my experiences of pregnancy as they happen since we haven't told to many people yet, but I use this blog also as a way to record our life so I've decided I'll just post-post. ha ha, that sounds funny-but I think that's right....So these will come in a large string dated as I wrote them.

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I have been feeling fine. Normal, no nausea, no vomiting, my breasts are as soar as they always are, my bathroom habits haven't changed, I'm tired maybe a little bit more and hormones are in check. For the most part I don't  "feel" pregnant. They only thing that is making me feel pregnant is the missing glass of wine after work, the gin martini on Friday and the cold beer at the beach. 

So last night, I took another test, just to be sure. Yep, still pregnant, don't know what I expected...like it would just go away. Nope, still knocked up and with child.  I should be excited and should be all motherly-right? But I'm not. I hope that doesn't mean I'm going to be bad at this, I'm sure it doesn't.

Today is our first Dr.'s apt. I wasn't expecting to get in so early - Heck the lady who answered the phone was more excited than I was I think.  But maybe it has to do with my surgery.  I think that's the main reason I'm not getting super excited.  Because I know of the complications it may cause. Or may not.  I really think this Dr. apt will kick my excitement into full gear...as long as she tells us all is ok.

Adam laughed at me last night when I told him that I don't have any symptoms that the books say I should have.  He said "babe, maybe you're one of the lucky few that has is easy.  Do you want to be sick?"  And no, I probably don't. My best friend is pg too, and she had it pretty bad...I bet she'd kill to be in my flip-flops. 

We also got our books in the mail I ordered last week.  I decided on the "Mayo Clinics guide to a healthy pregnancy" (why not go to the experts, right?) So far it looks pretty good-but I was more into reading Jenny McCarthy's Belly Laughs-I'm about 1/2 through it! 
*** ok Polka just came on my iTunes while I'm writing this and I am now bopping in my chair-gets me every time!***
Adam got his own book on how to deal with a pregnant wife and how to stay out of the "dog house" I laugh because they actually have little side bars that say that.  According to the book he shouldn't point out how enormous my feet get.  :) He seems excited to read up-despite the lack of pictures.

In conclusion-I'm 5.5 weeks pregnant and feel about 1 week pregnant (FYI you're not even pregnant at 1 week).  I guess I should just count my blessings and enjoy this early symptom free stage.  Here's to hopping the next 8 months go as smoothly-(raising my glass of v-8 to you or as I call them Virgin Mary's)

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Written July 29, 2010 (happy birthday Auntie Sandy)

Dr.'s appointment yesterday went good.  I was a bit freaked out when they told me how they were going to do the sonogram.  They definetly don't show you that way on the movies! We were only able to see the sac that little grimace is growing in, so I have to go and give blood twice next week, to make sure that my levels are going up and all is progressing good.  Glad I've already "Been there, done that" on the blood work-I know it's a piece of cake.

Dr. Perkins said that so far the cervix looked fine, but that we'll just have to monitor it to see if my surgery had any effect on it's strength.  Fingers crossed that everything holds and keeps growing.  Due date is March 26th, I guess Aunt Pat is getting her birthday present early next year.  We'll go back in three weeks for another check up and she said that we'd be able to see the baby then.  I just hope that everything keeps going the way it has been. Feeling good :) They all told me to count my blessings, and I do.
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Shopping  
Written August 2nd; 6 weeks 2 days

I did something.
I bought something...for Grimace.
Now, I know it's too early, but in my defense I saw this type of thing long before Adam and I were even engaged and we BOTH thought about buying it at the time-but didn't. I've regretted it ever since.

Every time I'm in Target now I look for it, and Friday night was no different.
This time I found it! Well sort of-and I found 4 different ones. And I bought ALL FOUR-in various sizes.
Two are definitely girl...but who knows-just in case.

Aren't they cute?

I actually went into the store to try and find me something to wear.  It seems that I've accomplished the Newlywed Nine (great) and now with my new situation it seems nothing outside of skirts and dresses fit.  So being brave I grabbed shorts and pants a size bigger than normal....and they didn't fit. I wanted to cry. I put them back.  I did find two dresses that fit - one was my regular size...the other that fit a bit big, but was super comfy-come to find out was a maternity dress! but for $10 I didn't care. I bought them both.

Maybe I'm just going to have to come to the realization that elastic waist bands are my friend. :( And that buying clothes in a double digit...isn't all that bad....for the time being. I remind myself it's only for 9 months...well now 8 :). I can do it.

Do maternity clothes come in normal sizes? I may have a saving grace....if they're smart they'll mark everything a size 0-6 :) I bet every pregnant women would buy it.

I do know this is just the beginning.

Here's to all my closet full of 8's....I love you, good bye, see you in April... or May.

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It's Official....

Written August 3rd

I've lost my mind....

Case in point #1:


While in the shower this morning I get a handful of cream to shave my legs, finish the first one, turn around to get more cream, put up the other leg and it’s already shaved.
What??
So I put it down, pick up the leg I swear I just shaved and it’s shaved too! I have no recollection of shaving my other leg.

Case in point #2.

I do the same routine to get ready in the morning…everyday.
I shower, then cleanse my face, then lotion, then clothes, then make up, then hair, then breakfast.

I get in the car to leave for work, look in the rear view mirror and the jump at the person staring back at me…I have on NO makeup!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I quickly turn off the car and go back in the house.

Case in point #3.
I get home from work and go to put the toaster away....in the refrigerator!

I am losing my mind. Thanks Grimace.

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Cookies

Written August 11, 2010

It seems 8:01 a.m. is my time.
Two days in a row now I've gotten to the point where I'm ready to toss my cookies. 
Yesterday I was already to the car, today I was still inside - I even went and sat in the bathroom.

But both times I fought it-with Lifesavers! Wintergreen Lifesavers are, well, a lifesaver :)

Here's my stock tip for the week-buy stock in Lifesavers.  Because I'm buying a lot of them.

Other than those episodes, I've been pretty good.  Still need to keep food on my stomach to curb that "I'm sick to my stomach starving" feeling.  But all in all, I'm good.

Adam is the best. Rubs my back. Gets me Vernor's (another stock tip)

The Dr. called today to tell my that my Beta levels (from my blood work) were good and that they'd re-asses at my next apt.

My arm is still soar (over a week later) from where they took my blood. It doesn't help that I have a lime size bruise on my elbow.  I must have whacked it someplace and forgotten.  But anyway it's making sleeping a pain-as I try to keep it straight. (I'm a baller-you know-I sleep in a ball)

Well that's my update.  I'm on week 8 and still haven't tossed my cookies. Good girl.

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160 bpm

Written Aug. 18th, 2010

We heard the heart beat today. It was weird. boom boom boom
Adam’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.  He’s so excited.
And we finally saw the parts and pieces that begin to make up a human.  Still resembles Grimace, no body shape, buds for arms and legs, but it’s there. In me.
I’m still feeling the same, no big changes.  I’ve been a little more tired this week. And my ballet class I’m teaching wears me out.  I’m hoping that after week 12 I will get all my energy back, like the books say.  We shall wait and see.

Other than that there is nothing more to report.  All is good and we pray it continues along this route.

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The cat's out of the bag!

September 1st  we arrived in Grand Rapids and meet my parents at the airport.  All four of us head to my Aunt Sandy's house.  It is there that i give them their 35th anniversary gift-a framed picture of Grimace.  Dad opens it and as he's processing what it is Aunt Sandy says "someone's having a baby!"  At this point my mother has grabbed it with tears in her eyes and my dad has fallen to his knees and is leaning against the back of a chair.
"Dad are you ok?!?!?!?"  The news has knocked the wind out of him.
They are both so excited and congratulations are passed around.

We then drive to Lake Leelanau where we inform the other family members.  All are excited.  Dad wants to update his face book right away, but we ask him to wait a bit.
The whole weekend we quietly tell friends and are greeted with the same great response, everyone is so excited and it's starting to help me get excited too.  We're at 11 weeks, so we're almost out of the woods.  I also discover Odules.  I have a few at the wedding and feel like my old fun Stephanie again.  We danced until 2 a.m.  It was a great weekend.


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Change of Plans

September 11, we are at 12 weeks!  We wake up and grab the book to see what will happen this week with the baby.  Our next appointment is Tuesday and we're eagerly waiting to see a much more defined baby.  I get up to go to that bathroom. It is there that I finally get what I have feared was coming.  There's blood on my toilet paper.
"Adam" I yell, "I'm bleeding"  We call the dr. answering service and patiently await their call.  In the mean time we call our friend Krista who is an OBGYN, she informs us that it's normal and as long as I don't have any paint and it's stopped I should be ok, but if I want she would to an ultra sound for us.
We head to the airport to pick up Adam's Dad, Russ.  The on-call Doctor from my OB calls back, he tells us the same this Krista did.  So we relax a bit but still decide to go see Krista to calm our nerves that everything is OK.

At her office we crowd in the room as she puts the cold gell on my abdomen, she's having a hard time finding the little bugger so she asks Russ to step out and does the ultra sound trans-vaginal.

There it is. But it's not what I expected it to look like.

"Steph," she says, " I'm so sorry but there's no heart beat."
Adam is silent.  I just stare at the machine.

"yep, it's only measuring 8 weeks 5 day.  I'm so sorry, it's nothing you did.  this just happens" she informs us.

I dress and give Adam a hug, holding myself together as we go tell grandpa that there is no more baby.

In the car I call my mother and she says "you know i had a feeling this would happen".   I've had the same feeling.  I even had a dream two days prior. My dad is crushed and very sad mom informs me, in addition he's dealing with the death of a friend.

But we soldier on to the beach and I enjoy my first Pina colada in who knows how long.  My friend Tara and Krista are great supports.  I'm glad Krista was the one who was there to tell us the bad news.

As much as it's a disappointment and we're sad, Adam I know that it just wasn't meant to be.  God has a plan for us and this baby wasn't right, this is natures way of weeding out the bad ones.  We will see what the doctor tells us as to what happens next, but we will try again.

Thank you to all the love and support we've gotten both before and after this loss.  It reminds us of how lucky we are that we have such great family and friends.  We look forward to sharing good news with you all again in the future.