Thursday Thoughts–Signs

I saw this picture reposted a few times today on Facebook with the following caption: “A cardinal is a representative of a loved one who has passed. When you see one, it means they are visiting you. They usually show up when you most need them or miss them. They also make an appearance during times of celebration as well as despair to let you know they will always be with you. Look for them, they'll appear.” –Gordon Matson

And it really resonated with me. Why? Well after my Grandma Hamel died my mother said that every time she see’s a Cardinal she knows it’s grandma. Cardinals were her favorite bird.

Since then every time I’ve seen one, I’ve thought of her. I know all my grandparents are looking down and watching over me. But do you really think that a bird appears as a sign of that loved one? Is it really their spirit? Or is it just coincidence?

Personally I do believe that people can come back in some way or another. (I’m convinced that Joseph and Marina where lovers in a former life) And I feel peace when I see those Red birds at the most random moments, when I’d least expect it. My grandma and I had a special bond and I still have the most vivid dreams about her and her house. So yes, that random red cardinal sitting on the tennis court fence outside my window, not the other side or end of the court, is my grandma looking in at me and my family. She's checking in that everything is going ok and by being visible she’s letting me know that she’s still there if I need her. That even in those hard times, it will be ok.

What do think? Is there something that you see as a sign…that is something more than it is? What connects you with those who have passed? It’s an interesting thought.  I guess my red cardinal brings peace to a lot of other people too.

(On a side note, for those of you who know me well know how ironic it is that I find peace when I see a cardinal. I hate birds and am pretty afraid of them. But that’s just more proof that it’s grandma and not some stupid bird waiting to peck my eyes out!)

A Girl

I found out today that our baby was a girl, with abnormal chromosomes resulting in monsomy X, which is consistent with Turner Syndrome. She had 45 x chromosomes in stead of the normal 46.
The doctor explained all the facts and that it is nothing caused by either Adam or myself nor will it increase our chances of it occurring again.  The doctor said that it is common to miscarry in this situation and that while some with Turner syndrome carry to full term,  the majority (99%) end like ours did.  She said in a way it’s a blessing.
Here is a quick explanation:
Monosomy X, commonly known as Turner Syndrome, is a chromosome disorder in which a girl or woman has only one complete X chromosome. (Because a Y chromosome is needed for a person to be male, all babies with Turner Syndrome are girls.) Though girls born with Turner Syndrome usually have good odds for a normal life, the majority of babies with the condition are lost to miscarriage or stillbirth.
About 1 in every 1,500 to 2,500 newborn babies has Turner Syndrome. Yet according to research, monosomy X is present in about 3% of all conceptions, but about 99% of affected babies are miscarried or stillborn. The condition is thought to be a factor in roughly 15% of all miscarriages. (about.com)
Turner Syndrome in girls:
Girls with Turner syndrome are usually short in height. Girls with Turner syndrome who aren't treated for short stature reach an average height of about 4 feet 7 inches (1.4 meters). The good news is that when Turner syndrome is diagnosed while a girl is still growing, she can be treated with growth hormones to help her grow taller.
In addition to growth problems, Turner syndrome prevents the ovaries from developing properly, which affects a girl's sexual development and the ability to have children. Because the ovaries are responsible for making the hormones that control breast growth and menstruation, most girls with Turner syndrome will not go through all of the changes associated with puberty unless they get treatment for the condition. Nearly all girls with Turner syndrome will be infertile, or unable to become pregnant on their own. (Kidshealth.com)

 











Recognize her? She has Turner Syndrome.

It feels good to have some closure, to know the cause of my miscarriage, but at the same time knowing it was a girl makes it all more real.  I’m glad I know though.  Also the doctor said that everything seemed fine after my post-op check up and that we can try again in a month or so.   So here’s to luck in the future with 46 Chromosomes :)

Hard to be Happy

These past few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions.  While we have been getting along good and I am doing fine physically, sometimes I find that it's hard to be happy.

It seems that everyone is having a baby, except us.  And don't get me wrong, we couldn't be more happy for everyone-we truly are.   I'm just saying that finding the happiness that is deep down in there beneath the sadness and disappointment and hurt is hard.

There seems to be constant reminders around every corner that our good news is no longer.  I received the packet from my health insurance in the mail-the good packet-with all the pamphlets and a book on healthy pregnancies.  I knew it was coming and I almost didn't want to open it.  Just another reminder that the last three months of our lives seem to have been a trial run-when all that time we thought we were in the race.
And I finally unpacked the suitcases from our trip to Michigan only to find the baby calendar my mom had given us.  I tucked it into the bag in the corner of our room that holds all the items we won't be needing for a while.  Out of sight out of mind-I wish.

But we are moving forward. 
We are dealing with life, when life is hard. 
We are working though it all together. 
And we are finding happy.

In our friends

In a big wet kisses

  

In everyday or not so everyday events :)

 

And mostly in each other

We are slowly letting happy come out to play and hopefully take up our hearts again where it used to rule.

Here we go again

Well the doctor confirmed what we already knew.  But i think we both had this small hope that something was wrong with Krista’s machine.  The doctor went over our two options and we both felt that the best would be to have a D & C; which is outpatient surgery to remove the contents of my uterus.  the other option would be to wait it out.  And who knows how long that would be, plus we can have the tissue ran for tests to maybe pinpoint the reason for the miscarriage.  2/3rds of the time it’s a chromosome issue, which is not caused by either  of us.  the other other 1/3 of the time it could be something else-and if that’s the cause then they can figure it out and we’ll know if it’s me or if it’s something we can avoid/prevent ect.
I will be going in tomorrow morning for the procedure (which is pretty routine) but i will be again knocked out and hooked up to an i.v.  Seems this is my year for hospital visits.  I should have gotten a frequent visitors card. (My dr.’s office is IN the hospital)
The outpouring of love and support we have received has been greatly appreciated. And we can’t wait to share good news again with you soon. 

Change of plans

The following posts were going to be auto posted after our 1st anniversary, however a change of plans makes me feel that this is the best way to tell our story.
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Grimace
Written July 19th, 2010

Adam and I were up in Michigan, it was a beautiful Saturday morning. I was burnt from the previous day on the water and needed aloe.  We drove into Hart, in my moms white Corvette.  The first store didn't have any aloe! so we ventured downtown to the pharmacy. 

After finding the aloe I wandered into another aisle and grabbed a box with a $1 off coupon on the cover. I said to Adam, "I just have to know."

 

We got back into the car and drove around looking for a spot. We settled on McDonald's with a laugh and pulled into the packed parking lot.  He waited while I went in.

I was nervous and excited, but also not wanting to get my hopes up.  I closed the door and sat down.  When I was done I grabbed my phone and checked the time. 10:57......I checked my email...10:58...looked at facebook......10:59.....I walked over to the baby changing station and looked into the familiar window.

Right there next to the bright pink line was a second light pink line.  My eyes filled a little as I put it in my purse and walked out.

Adam had come in, but I was in such a daze I didn't see him as I left the restaurant, "Steph!" he called out, and I turned around "So????"  I smiled and nodded, "Yes, we're having a baby"

The drive home to my parents house was a daze...I was in shock...happy, scared, excited, nervous.....then all of a sudden I spotted my brother driving our Jeep in front of us.

"Stop him." I told Adam, "I have to tell someone."  We finally got him to pull over and I walked up to him and told him and Jen the good news.  They shared in our happiness and promised to keep our secret and help me drink my wine at the wedding we were going to that night. 

It was at the wedding that we came up with a code name to call our little McDonald's baby...

Grimace-the big purple, a-sexual creature that loves milk shakes.

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Really? I'm pregnant?!?

Written July 28, 2010

I realized that I cannot write and post about my experiences of pregnancy as they happen since we haven't told to many people yet, but I use this blog also as a way to record our life so I've decided I'll just post-post. ha ha, that sounds funny-but I think that's right....So these will come in a large string dated as I wrote them.

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I have been feeling fine. Normal, no nausea, no vomiting, my breasts are as soar as they always are, my bathroom habits haven't changed, I'm tired maybe a little bit more and hormones are in check. For the most part I don't  "feel" pregnant. They only thing that is making me feel pregnant is the missing glass of wine after work, the gin martini on Friday and the cold beer at the beach. 

So last night, I took another test, just to be sure. Yep, still pregnant, don't know what I expected...like it would just go away. Nope, still knocked up and with child.  I should be excited and should be all motherly-right? But I'm not. I hope that doesn't mean I'm going to be bad at this, I'm sure it doesn't.

Today is our first Dr.'s apt. I wasn't expecting to get in so early - Heck the lady who answered the phone was more excited than I was I think.  But maybe it has to do with my surgery.  I think that's the main reason I'm not getting super excited.  Because I know of the complications it may cause. Or may not.  I really think this Dr. apt will kick my excitement into full gear...as long as she tells us all is ok.

Adam laughed at me last night when I told him that I don't have any symptoms that the books say I should have.  He said "babe, maybe you're one of the lucky few that has is easy.  Do you want to be sick?"  And no, I probably don't. My best friend is pg too, and she had it pretty bad...I bet she'd kill to be in my flip-flops. 

We also got our books in the mail I ordered last week.  I decided on the "Mayo Clinics guide to a healthy pregnancy" (why not go to the experts, right?) So far it looks pretty good-but I was more into reading Jenny McCarthy's Belly Laughs-I'm about 1/2 through it! 
*** ok Polka just came on my iTunes while I'm writing this and I am now bopping in my chair-gets me every time!***
Adam got his own book on how to deal with a pregnant wife and how to stay out of the "dog house" I laugh because they actually have little side bars that say that.  According to the book he shouldn't point out how enormous my feet get.  :) He seems excited to read up-despite the lack of pictures.

In conclusion-I'm 5.5 weeks pregnant and feel about 1 week pregnant (FYI you're not even pregnant at 1 week).  I guess I should just count my blessings and enjoy this early symptom free stage.  Here's to hopping the next 8 months go as smoothly-(raising my glass of v-8 to you or as I call them Virgin Mary's)

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Written July 29, 2010 (happy birthday Auntie Sandy)

Dr.'s appointment yesterday went good.  I was a bit freaked out when they told me how they were going to do the sonogram.  They definetly don't show you that way on the movies! We were only able to see the sac that little grimace is growing in, so I have to go and give blood twice next week, to make sure that my levels are going up and all is progressing good.  Glad I've already "Been there, done that" on the blood work-I know it's a piece of cake.

Dr. Perkins said that so far the cervix looked fine, but that we'll just have to monitor it to see if my surgery had any effect on it's strength.  Fingers crossed that everything holds and keeps growing.  Due date is March 26th, I guess Aunt Pat is getting her birthday present early next year.  We'll go back in three weeks for another check up and she said that we'd be able to see the baby then.  I just hope that everything keeps going the way it has been. Feeling good :) They all told me to count my blessings, and I do.
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Shopping  
Written August 2nd; 6 weeks 2 days

I did something.
I bought something...for Grimace.
Now, I know it's too early, but in my defense I saw this type of thing long before Adam and I were even engaged and we BOTH thought about buying it at the time-but didn't. I've regretted it ever since.

Every time I'm in Target now I look for it, and Friday night was no different.
This time I found it! Well sort of-and I found 4 different ones. And I bought ALL FOUR-in various sizes.
Two are definitely girl...but who knows-just in case.

Aren't they cute?

I actually went into the store to try and find me something to wear.  It seems that I've accomplished the Newlywed Nine (great) and now with my new situation it seems nothing outside of skirts and dresses fit.  So being brave I grabbed shorts and pants a size bigger than normal....and they didn't fit. I wanted to cry. I put them back.  I did find two dresses that fit - one was my regular size...the other that fit a bit big, but was super comfy-come to find out was a maternity dress! but for $10 I didn't care. I bought them both.

Maybe I'm just going to have to come to the realization that elastic waist bands are my friend. :( And that buying clothes in a double digit...isn't all that bad....for the time being. I remind myself it's only for 9 months...well now 8 :). I can do it.

Do maternity clothes come in normal sizes? I may have a saving grace....if they're smart they'll mark everything a size 0-6 :) I bet every pregnant women would buy it.

I do know this is just the beginning.

Here's to all my closet full of 8's....I love you, good bye, see you in April... or May.

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It's Official....

Written August 3rd

I've lost my mind....

Case in point #1:


While in the shower this morning I get a handful of cream to shave my legs, finish the first one, turn around to get more cream, put up the other leg and it’s already shaved.
What??
So I put it down, pick up the leg I swear I just shaved and it’s shaved too! I have no recollection of shaving my other leg.

Case in point #2.

I do the same routine to get ready in the morning…everyday.
I shower, then cleanse my face, then lotion, then clothes, then make up, then hair, then breakfast.

I get in the car to leave for work, look in the rear view mirror and the jump at the person staring back at me…I have on NO makeup!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I quickly turn off the car and go back in the house.

Case in point #3.
I get home from work and go to put the toaster away....in the refrigerator!

I am losing my mind. Thanks Grimace.

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Cookies

Written August 11, 2010

It seems 8:01 a.m. is my time.
Two days in a row now I've gotten to the point where I'm ready to toss my cookies. 
Yesterday I was already to the car, today I was still inside - I even went and sat in the bathroom.

But both times I fought it-with Lifesavers! Wintergreen Lifesavers are, well, a lifesaver :)

Here's my stock tip for the week-buy stock in Lifesavers.  Because I'm buying a lot of them.

Other than those episodes, I've been pretty good.  Still need to keep food on my stomach to curb that "I'm sick to my stomach starving" feeling.  But all in all, I'm good.

Adam is the best. Rubs my back. Gets me Vernor's (another stock tip)

The Dr. called today to tell my that my Beta levels (from my blood work) were good and that they'd re-asses at my next apt.

My arm is still soar (over a week later) from where they took my blood. It doesn't help that I have a lime size bruise on my elbow.  I must have whacked it someplace and forgotten.  But anyway it's making sleeping a pain-as I try to keep it straight. (I'm a baller-you know-I sleep in a ball)

Well that's my update.  I'm on week 8 and still haven't tossed my cookies. Good girl.

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160 bpm

Written Aug. 18th, 2010

We heard the heart beat today. It was weird. boom boom boom
Adam’s eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.  He’s so excited.
And we finally saw the parts and pieces that begin to make up a human.  Still resembles Grimace, no body shape, buds for arms and legs, but it’s there. In me.
I’m still feeling the same, no big changes.  I’ve been a little more tired this week. And my ballet class I’m teaching wears me out.  I’m hoping that after week 12 I will get all my energy back, like the books say.  We shall wait and see.

Other than that there is nothing more to report.  All is good and we pray it continues along this route.

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The cat's out of the bag!

September 1st  we arrived in Grand Rapids and meet my parents at the airport.  All four of us head to my Aunt Sandy's house.  It is there that i give them their 35th anniversary gift-a framed picture of Grimace.  Dad opens it and as he's processing what it is Aunt Sandy says "someone's having a baby!"  At this point my mother has grabbed it with tears in her eyes and my dad has fallen to his knees and is leaning against the back of a chair.
"Dad are you ok?!?!?!?"  The news has knocked the wind out of him.
They are both so excited and congratulations are passed around.

We then drive to Lake Leelanau where we inform the other family members.  All are excited.  Dad wants to update his face book right away, but we ask him to wait a bit.
The whole weekend we quietly tell friends and are greeted with the same great response, everyone is so excited and it's starting to help me get excited too.  We're at 11 weeks, so we're almost out of the woods.  I also discover Odules.  I have a few at the wedding and feel like my old fun Stephanie again.  We danced until 2 a.m.  It was a great weekend.


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Change of Plans

September 11, we are at 12 weeks!  We wake up and grab the book to see what will happen this week with the baby.  Our next appointment is Tuesday and we're eagerly waiting to see a much more defined baby.  I get up to go to that bathroom. It is there that I finally get what I have feared was coming.  There's blood on my toilet paper.
"Adam" I yell, "I'm bleeding"  We call the dr. answering service and patiently await their call.  In the mean time we call our friend Krista who is an OBGYN, she informs us that it's normal and as long as I don't have any paint and it's stopped I should be ok, but if I want she would to an ultra sound for us.
We head to the airport to pick up Adam's Dad, Russ.  The on-call Doctor from my OB calls back, he tells us the same this Krista did.  So we relax a bit but still decide to go see Krista to calm our nerves that everything is OK.

At her office we crowd in the room as she puts the cold gell on my abdomen, she's having a hard time finding the little bugger so she asks Russ to step out and does the ultra sound trans-vaginal.

There it is. But it's not what I expected it to look like.

"Steph," she says, " I'm so sorry but there's no heart beat."
Adam is silent.  I just stare at the machine.

"yep, it's only measuring 8 weeks 5 day.  I'm so sorry, it's nothing you did.  this just happens" she informs us.

I dress and give Adam a hug, holding myself together as we go tell grandpa that there is no more baby.

In the car I call my mother and she says "you know i had a feeling this would happen".   I've had the same feeling.  I even had a dream two days prior. My dad is crushed and very sad mom informs me, in addition he's dealing with the death of a friend.

But we soldier on to the beach and I enjoy my first Pina colada in who knows how long.  My friend Tara and Krista are great supports.  I'm glad Krista was the one who was there to tell us the bad news.

As much as it's a disappointment and we're sad, Adam I know that it just wasn't meant to be.  God has a plan for us and this baby wasn't right, this is natures way of weeding out the bad ones.  We will see what the doctor tells us as to what happens next, but we will try again.

Thank you to all the love and support we've gotten both before and after this loss.  It reminds us of how lucky we are that we have such great family and friends.  We look forward to sharing good news with you all again in the future.